HOW TO LEARN TO SAY NO TO YOUR PARENTS?
They educate us; they love us; they take care of us when we are sick; and they call us every day to make sure we adjust to life away from home. We love our parents, but sometimes they ask too much. Here are some tips on how to learn to say "no" to your parents and at the same time not ruin your relationship with them.
One of the most common mistakes is having too many excuses when saying no. When your parents ask you for something, donāt give an endless list of reasons why you canāt do it. Firstly, it looks like you are looking for a reason to refuse, but in fact there is none. Secondly, you give parents the opportunity to refute one argument after another, forcing you to come up with more and more new reasons. And finally, you show your parents that you donāt feel confident enough to just say no.
This brings us to the next step. You need to be confident in yourself. Yes, they are your parents. You literally owe them your life, but that doesnāt mean you donāt have a right to your own life. You moved, got a job, maybe even started a family. They must recognize that you have begun to build a new life. Although they remain a part of your life, you do not have the opportunity to help as soon as they ask for it. You have your own responsibilities and limitations by which you are bound. If you give in once, they will know that you will obey in the future.
Instead of listing reasons why you canāt help, try to keep the situation simple and short. This will reinforce the idea that you are already an adult who makes his own decisions. Be decisive and donāt be surprised if your parents realize that your decision is final.
An attempt to address guilt. Such simple words and they have a lot of meaning. If your parents try to make you feel guilty, donāt give in. If you know that you are a good person (ask your husband, sibling, best friend for support), then you should not be ashamed of your decisions. Donāt agree that you should do this or that. Donāt let your parents think that they can control their child. Instead of this ā¦
Try thisā¦ "Mom, Iām sorry, but thereās no way I can help you with your birthday dinner." "Dad, I know youād really need an extra pair of hands, but thereās no way I can help you stack the wood." "Iād love to, Dad, but thereās no way I can lend you money."
The main thing is not to give too much information. Parents can sometimes use your answers as evidence of your wrong lifestyle. Here are examples: āDonāt you have money to lend? I told you that you need to work with your father, then you could get a share in the business. "You donāt have the strength to help us? Most likely it is because you did not find a nanny for the child, as I told you. Or the oppositeā¦ "The kids are too active and you canāt come and help us?" āI told you not to hire a nanny, you have completely lost your authority in the eyes of children." Never give your parents information that they can then use against you. This will only lead to unwanted advice or further arguing.
Once you have expressed the initial refusal(if you made it clear to your parents that you have no doubts), usually the parents step back and turn the conversation to a more pleasant topic. Anyway, sometimes they try again. In a week or two, when you have already forgotten about it, they will again start a conversation about how they would need your help. Itās time to speak directly. If you donāt, they wonāt stop trying to persuade you. Itās very unpleasant, but it worksā¦ āMom, I already told you before that I canāt help you. Please donāt raise this issue again." āDad, I already told you no. If you talk about it again, I will have to interrupt our conversation.ā This will show your parents that you are not feeling guilty and are not going to give up and change your mind. Say one of these phrases and with a 99% chance your parents will no longer talk about this topic.
Do what you warned them to do. This is not the time to show weakness. Say goodbye and hang up. Get up from the table. Step aside. This will be a clear and open message. If they want to communicate with you, they must understand that "no" means no. They wonāt insist anymore.
Naturally, this situation does not apply to all parents. But, if you are reading this article, there is a chance that your parents periodically try to interfere in your life. Just remember that you are the captain on your ship. Your parents have no right to abuse you, your husband or children. And they have no right to demand additional time, money, help from you. If you follow these tips and stay firm, it will help you maintain healthy, grateful relationships with those who are sometimes hard to love.